Assertiveness and Assertive skills

Some frequently Asked Questions The following few questions are some of the most common questions people have when they first start exploring “Assertiveness” and “Assertiveness skills”. This short, concise article briefly answers and explores the issues relating to these important questions and can help you on your way to a full and clear understanding of Assertiveness.

What is “Assertiveness” and what are the characteristics of “Assertive” people?

In a purely English language context, 'Assertiveness' comes from the word 'Assert' which means to express something in a strong or definite way. 'Assertiveness' is then the capacity for someone to positively express something strongly or definitely. In psychological contexts 'Assertiveness' is interpreted more in terms of 'asserting oneself' which, according to the Merriam-Webster online dictionary means “to speak or act in a manner that compels recognition especially of one's rights” Psychology Today defines 'assertiveness' in terms of three areas. 1. Cognitively (think) - A lack of anxious thoughts in light of stress. 2. Behaviourally (Act/Do) - Asking for what you want in a manner that respects others. 3. Emotionally (Affect) - Reacting to positive and negative emotions without aggression or resorting to passivity. From the above it follows that assertive people consistently demonstrate behaviour that is calm, balanced, respectful and firm. They communicate clearly and effectively in many varied contexts and remain clear headed when under stress. As a result of this clear, calm, respectful and firm behaviour, assertive people tend to have more harmonious interpersonal relationships, both personal and professional. Assertive people feel deeply responsible for their own goals, needs and happiness. They recognise their own value as people whilst at the same time they recognise and respect the value of others' needs, wants and goals. “Recognising one's own value as a person” is also another way saying “self-confident”. It would be fair to say that assertive people are generally self-confident and have a deeply rooted, accurately proportioned sense of positive self-esteem. They exhibit good empathy with others and therefore respect the intrinsic worth of people. Assertive people assert themselves with others without being overbearing and arrogant. If they were arrogant and overbearing they would be trampling on the rights of others. Assertive people are balanced between the extremes of compliant passivity and overt aggression.

What are Assertiveness Skills?

Assertiveness skills are practical techniques and strategies that are commonly employed by assertive people to effectively help minimise stress, promote harmony, and resolve conflict between people. In particular, assertiveness skills are well observed social strategies and behavioural techniques that prevent peoples' personal rights, needs and desires from being abused or trampled upon – specifically in work/job environments or in personal relationships. Assertiveness skills can therefore play an extremely important role in successfully creating a healthy, fulfilling and balanced life at work or in the home.

Assertiveness skills training – does it work? Can I learn to be assertive?

Does it work? In short, yes it does. Many psychological research studies have shown the effectiveness of assertiveness training in the treatment of social phobias and disorders. While you may or may not have an actual clinical psychological disorder, many of the same techniques and skills used to help these extreme cases are just as helpful and applicable to those who struggle to be assertive in general. If you have ever felt that other people are “always taking advantage of you”, or that your own needs are constantly side-lined in favour of others' needs; that 'speaking out' is difficult or hard to do; that you fly into a rage after you just “cannot take it anymore”, then you could most likely benefit immensely from practising and developing some simple assertiveness techniques. Becoming more assertive definitely helps to enhance your confidence, self-esteem and interpersonal relationships. Assertiveness is one of the most valuable social skills that one can have.

Is it easy to learn new behaviour? No!

The truth is that becoming more assertive won't feel easy or comfortable in the beginning and it definitely won't happen overnight. It takes time, patience and determination to make substantial changes to one's behaviour. Many consider changing one's habitual behaviour to be one of the most difficult things to do in life. There is good news, however. Difficult as it may seem, assertiveness can be learned. Much like learning to drive, the beginning is awkward, difficult and self-conscious. But, day by day, year by year, your driving skills gradually become natural and integrated – you won't even need to think about them anymore. The same can be said of learning new, more assertive behaviour and skills. The beginning may be a bit rocky, or feel contrived and awkward, but, gradually, little by little, one emerges with a clear new way of doing things.

So what are the key points?

1. Understand what is meant by the term “Assertiveness”. 2. Know the characteristics of assertive people. 3. Assertiveness skills are practical, well observed strategies that effectively help minimise stress, promote harmony, and resolve conflict between people. 4. Know that 'assertiveness skills training' is extremely effective in treating certain psychological disorders and we understand that those same techniques can be of immense benefit to anyone wishing to learn to become more assertive in general. 5. Assertiveness skills can be learned. 6. Changing behaviour is difficult, but with courage, patience and practice anyone can learn assertiveness skills and become more assertive in their daily lives. If you feel that you know and understand the above six points, then you can be confident that you have a good basic understanding of the concept of assertiveness and its benefits.